I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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