Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
