I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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