I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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