Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
