My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I smell stomach acid.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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