This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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