i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
