I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
