First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Randomize
