my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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