The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
