It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
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Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
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He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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