it hurts more in the daytime
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
