Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
