did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
