my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We have started to decorate penises.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
