You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
