This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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