I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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