I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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