When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
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No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
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And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... π―πππ
Do I even want to know?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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