I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
