I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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