Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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