He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
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There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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