i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
