You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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