anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
