My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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