I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize