i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
