Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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