Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
