Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
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