the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
smell my finger.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
