Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
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