Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize