Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
