tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
