im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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