True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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