dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
