you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
