we have pet lesbian snakes
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize