You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize