just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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