I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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