go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
