just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
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Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
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I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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