god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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