I faked an abortion last night.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
