I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
