apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
